Oh Cooper…we need you

We went for a drive in the mountain today. Driving soothes our souls. I am so scared that Cooper is going to die & that he will never get to go on a mountain drive with us or camping. I just want my baby. Oh Cooper, please get better, we need you. I sat on the mountain today & looked at in the city. I thought about how I might just have to face this world without my Cooper. The reality is sinking in more & more. We went to UMC tonight, so Luan could see Cooper. Then they went home,but I spent the night in the NICU room since Cooper isn’t doing well. I think he needs his mommy. He seems happy when I talk to him. He is really agitated and doesn’t feel well. They have a blanket over the top of his head, to cover his ears, so that the noises don’t bug him. He is so agitated because of his lung emphysema. Tonight they gave Cooper a steroid that is good for his lungs, but bad for the brain. It is the last resort.  A doctor came in & talked with me tonight. This steroid is only given to babies as a last resort when they think the baby is going to die. His lungs need help, but this could hurt his brain. There are 1 out of 4 chances for brain damage or some form of cerebral palsy from this steroid. Pretty scary stuff. I felt sick as I watched the steroid go into Coop’s iv. We have no other choice though. We will do anything to save our baby. His lungs are so bad that the doctor thinks he will probably die or if he does live will have brain damage & complications. My poor Cooper has had to suffer so much. I really want him to pull through, we love him very much. I stayed up late with him. The doctor told me that Laun needs to hold him & that the boys need to see him. Basically, that means Coop will die. The only time they really want siblings in the NICU is if they are saying goodbye. I called Laun & he is so sad. I called my mom & asked her to come down to watch our boys in case Cooper dies, so Laun & I can go together.